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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you'll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what's been wrong with you lately. That, sadly enough, will take three rocket scientists.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There's nothing a woman remembers more vividly than her wedding day, which for you means going straight to Plan B.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All of your Boy Scout training will come in handy this week when you're forced to fight off three grown men in a dark tent.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Take a moment this week to reflect on the fleeting nature of love, loss, and life itself. This should give the stars enough time to deal with some actually important shit for once.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They say there's nothing funny about being a raging alcoholic, which is strange, as you can't seem to keep yourself from laughing hysterically about it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just when things seem to be going your way, you'll be forced to get out of bed this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Nobody knows your sweet old Jeremiah as well as you do, except maybe for his secret second wife, their three grown-up children, and several high-ranking officers at the CIA.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars foresee a great deal of wealth and success in your future, though mostly it's just to keep themselves entertained.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your body will soon undergo a number of new and exciting changes, transforming you little by little into what was once a woman.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Turns out that all those sandwiches weren't actually named after you, and that "Turkey With Swiss On Rye" is a rather unusual first name.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By the end of the week you'll know more about dental prostheses than you ever thought possible.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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