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Vol 45 Issue 35

Sanford Vows To Complete Term

South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, who disappeared for several days in June to visit his Argentine lover, has stated that he will not resign...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you'll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what's been wrong with you lately. That, sadly enough, will take three rocket scientists.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    There's nothing a woman remembers more vividly than her wedding day, which for you means going straight to Plan B.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    All of your Boy Scout training will come in handy this week when you're forced to fight off three grown men in a dark tent.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Take a moment this week to reflect on the fleeting nature of love, loss, and life itself. This should give the stars enough time to deal with some actually important shit for once.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    They say there's nothing funny about being a raging alcoholic, which is strange, as you can't seem to keep yourself from laughing hysterically about it.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Just when things seem to be going your way, you'll be forced to get out of bed this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Nobody knows your sweet old Jeremiah as well as you do, except maybe for his secret second wife, their three grown-up children, and several high-ranking officers at the CIA.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The stars foresee a great deal of wealth and success in your future, though mostly it's just to keep themselves entertained.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your body will soon undergo a number of new and exciting changes, transforming you little by little into what was once a woman.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Turns out that all those sandwiches weren't actually named after you, and that "Turkey With Swiss On Rye" is a rather unusual first name.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    By the end of the week you'll know more about dental prostheses than you ever thought possible.
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