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Vol 45 Issue 36

Area Man Has Heard Of Andre Ethier

BRECKSVILLE, OH—Local man and casual baseball fan Leon Markham confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he has definitely heard the name of baseball player Andre Ethier. "Andrew Ethier, yeah. Shortstop for the Phillies, right?" Markham said of the Dodgers outfielder. "He's good at hitting.

Kevin Youkilis Keeps Everyone On Bus Awake With Another One Of His Nasty Sex Stories

TAMPA, FL—Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis reportedly prevented everyone on the team bus from sleeping Monday when he loudly described in disgusting detail the elasticity and mucus secretions of his girlfriend's vagina. "Man, she was pretty hot and bothered, because I'd been stirring up her soup for a while," said Youkilis, adding that her neatly trimmed pubic hair and thighs, as well as their sheets, were all soaked in "pussy juice."

Haiti Makes Bid For 2216 Olympics

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Organizers of the LXXXI Olympiad, which would be held in the capital city of Port-au-Prince, said the event will showcase the many attractions that are sure to be conceptualized, financed, and constructed over the next 207 years.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It can, however, last 40 years until the moment of your death.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your religious faith will be shattered when, after years of piety, you discover a little-known Bible passage condemning murder.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The disappearance of Mars from the sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. Also, it could indicate that Mars has taken orbit behind the sun.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Reaffirm your commitment to weight loss this week. Eat five pounds of cottage cheese, six cans of peach halves in heavy syrup, and a liter of Diet Coke for each meal.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will discover the power of chain letters this week when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynecologist you've been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.
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