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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You may not have a lot of money, but you still believe yourself to be rich in many ways. This isn't surprising considering the cost of a proper education these days.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The lion shall lay down with the lamb this week, before looking around, realizing no savior has in fact returned, and ripping out the poor, unsuspecting animal's throat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The difference between life and death can come down to a few precious minutes, or in your case, the time it takes for the EMTs to finally stop laughing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll have a terrifying out-of-body experience this week, followed by an even more horrifying back-inside-your-body experience this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It takes a lot of courage to stand up and speak candidly in front of a large group of people. Especially when those people are just there to watch KISS.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgos are known for their submissive nature, weak and cowardly attitude, and tendency to just sit there and nod along while the stars openly shit all over them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's true that drugs aren't the answer to your problem, they will, if taken in large enough doses, make you forget exactly what your problems are.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Pretty soon you're going to have to sit down and ask yourself some very important questions. Particularly, "why?"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don't let pessimism or negativity get in your way this week, as you already have a hard enough time not always fucking everything up on your own.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You establish a destructive pattern of behavior this week when you discover how much fun it is to destroy things.

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