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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You may not have a lot of money, but you still believe yourself to be rich in many ways. This isn't surprising considering the cost of a proper education these days.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The lion shall lay down with the lamb this week, before looking around, realizing no savior has in fact returned, and ripping out the poor, unsuspecting animal's throat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The difference between life and death can come down to a few precious minutes, or in your case, the time it takes for the EMTs to finally stop laughing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll have a terrifying out-of-body experience this week, followed by an even more horrifying back-inside-your-body experience this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It takes a lot of courage to stand up and speak candidly in front of a large group of people. Especially when those people are just there to watch KISS.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgos are known for their submissive nature, weak and cowardly attitude, and tendency to just sit there and nod along while the stars openly shit all over them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's true that drugs aren't the answer to your problem, they will, if taken in large enough doses, make you forget exactly what your problems are.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Pretty soon you're going to have to sit down and ask yourself some very important questions. Particularly, "why?"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don't let pessimism or negativity get in your way this week, as you already have a hard enough time not always fucking everything up on your own.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You establish a destructive pattern of behavior this week when you discover how much fun it is to destroy things.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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