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Vol 45 Issue 37

Web Gem Disappointing

URBANA, IL—The No. 3 Web Gem of the Day, Blue Jays third baseman Jose Bautista's backhand pickup of an Evan Longoria grounder, was a "great disappointment" to avid baseball fan Andrew Missel, who questioned whether the play deserved any honor at all. "So, what—he just short-hopped the ball?" asked Missel, who has often expressed deep dissatisfaction with the rankings and nominations of the Baseball Tonight segment.

East Carolina Grad Thinks East Carolina A State

JACKSONVILLE, FL—At a press conference Monday, Jaguars quarterback and East Carolina University alum David Garrard indicated through certain statements to reporters that "East Carolina" is one of the 50 United States. "I can say without hesitation that it is definitely my favorite of all the Carolinas," said the former ECU Pirate, who, when pressed, identified the imaginary commonwealth's capital as Greenville and its state bird as the red-necked grebe.

Area Man Unsustainable, Experts Warn

WASHINGTON—Experts predict 39-year-old Doug Mahoney's most nutrient-rich layers will be washed away by the end of the decade, leaving little more than a desiccated, middle-aged wasteland.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    You may not have a lot of money, but you still believe yourself to be rich in many ways. This isn't surprising considering the cost of a proper education these days.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The lion shall lay down with the lamb this week, before looking around, realizing no savior has in fact returned, and ripping out the poor, unsuspecting animal's throat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The difference between life and death can come down to a few precious minutes, or in your case, the time it takes for the EMTs to finally stop laughing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll have a terrifying out-of-body experience this week, followed by an even more horrifying back-inside-your-body experience this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It takes a lot of courage to stand up and speak candidly in front of a large group of people. Especially when those people are just there to watch KISS.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Virgos are known for their submissive nature, weak and cowardly attitude, and tendency to just sit there and nod along while the stars openly shit all over them.
  • Libra

    Libra

    While it's true that drugs aren't the answer to your problem, they will, if taken in large enough doses, make you forget exactly what your problems are.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Pretty soon you're going to have to sit down and ask yourself some very important questions. Particularly, "why?"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Don't let pessimism or negativity get in your way this week, as you already have a hard enough time not always fucking everything up on your own.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You establish a destructive pattern of behavior this week when you discover how much fun it is to destroy things.
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