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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You may not have a lot of money, but you still believe yourself to be rich in many ways. This isn't surprising considering the cost of a proper education these days.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The lion shall lay down with the lamb this week, before looking around, realizing no savior has in fact returned, and ripping out the poor, unsuspecting animal's throat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The difference between life and death can come down to a few precious minutes, or in your case, the time it takes for the EMTs to finally stop laughing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll have a terrifying out-of-body experience this week, followed by an even more horrifying back-inside-your-body experience this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It takes a lot of courage to stand up and speak candidly in front of a large group of people. Especially when those people are just there to watch KISS.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgos are known for their submissive nature, weak and cowardly attitude, and tendency to just sit there and nod along while the stars openly shit all over them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's true that drugs aren't the answer to your problem, they will, if taken in large enough doses, make you forget exactly what your problems are.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Pretty soon you're going to have to sit down and ask yourself some very important questions. Particularly, "why?"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don't let pessimism or negativity get in your way this week, as you already have a hard enough time not always fucking everything up on your own.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You establish a destructive pattern of behavior this week when you discover how much fun it is to destroy things.

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