Aries | March 21 to April 19
The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will soon be chopped to bits, roasted, covered with caramel, stuffed in a box with a cheap toy, and sold to children nationwide.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Everything you desire shall be yours this week, providing you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION