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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile.

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