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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile.

More from this section

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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