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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find Jesus this week, more or less in the exact same place you lost him: underneath the football bleachers behind school.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Look, the stars foresee whatever the hell you want them to foresee, okay? Good. Now, let's all just move on with our respective days.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Yelling "fire!" at the top of your lungs will not only not help people evacuate faster, but it'll also convince most of them that there's some sort of fire they need to outrun.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say you're just a big kid trapped in a grown man's body, but then, they've never really seen you what you look like naked in front of the mirror before.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When threatened, armadillos are known to curl up into a protective ball for hours on end—a practice that will make this week's encounter with one a rather embarrassing stalemate.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though your new prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, many can tell it's not real, mostly because people don't have three ears.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A series of runaway gasoline trucks will soon prove that dying young and leaving a pretty corpse behind don't necessarily go hand in hand.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    We all stand on the shoulders of giants. Some of us, however, do it in order to flash the band.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You truly believe that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, making you the most powerful 400-pound chain-smoking chronic masturbator in the world.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true that history is written by the winners, it, like most everything else in life, is copyedited by the losers.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll finally see your friends for who they really are this week: good and decent people desperately trying to inch themselves away from you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While having high expectations for oneself can be productive, it can also be lead to heartache and disappointment, especially for a giant loser such as yourself.

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