Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll find Jesus this week, more or less in the exact same place you lost him: underneath the football bleachers behind school.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Look, the stars foresee whatever the hell you want them to foresee, okay? Good. Now, let's all just move on with our respective days.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Yelling "fire!" at the top of your lungs will not only not help people evacuate faster, but it'll also convince most of them that there's some sort of fire they need to outrun.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
They say you're just a big kid trapped in a grown man's body, but then, they've never really seen you what you look like naked in front of the mirror before.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
When threatened, armadillos are known to curl up into a protective ball for hours on end—a practice that will make this week's encounter with one a rather embarrassing stalemate.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though your new prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, many can tell it's not real, mostly because people don't have three ears.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A series of runaway gasoline trucks will soon prove that dying young and leaving a pretty corpse behind don't necessarily go hand in hand.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
We all stand on the shoulders of giants. Some of us, however, do it in order to flash the band.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You truly believe that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, making you the most powerful 400-pound chain-smoking chronic masturbator in the world.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While it's true that history is written by the winners, it, like most everything else in life, is copyedited by the losers.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll finally see your friends for who they really are this week: good and decent people desperately trying to inch themselves away from you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
While having high expectations for oneself can be productive, it can also be lead to heartache and disappointment, especially for a giant loser such as yourself.
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