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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find Jesus this week, more or less in the exact same place you lost him: underneath the football bleachers behind school.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Look, the stars foresee whatever the hell you want them to foresee, okay? Good. Now, let's all just move on with our respective days.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Yelling "fire!" at the top of your lungs will not only not help people evacuate faster, but it'll also convince most of them that there's some sort of fire they need to outrun.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say you're just a big kid trapped in a grown man's body, but then, they've never really seen you what you look like naked in front of the mirror before.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When threatened, armadillos are known to curl up into a protective ball for hours on end—a practice that will make this week's encounter with one a rather embarrassing stalemate.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though your new prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, many can tell it's not real, mostly because people don't have three ears.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A series of runaway gasoline trucks will soon prove that dying young and leaving a pretty corpse behind don't necessarily go hand in hand.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    We all stand on the shoulders of giants. Some of us, however, do it in order to flash the band.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You truly believe that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, making you the most powerful 400-pound chain-smoking chronic masturbator in the world.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true that history is written by the winners, it, like most everything else in life, is copyedited by the losers.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll finally see your friends for who they really are this week: good and decent people desperately trying to inch themselves away from you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While having high expectations for oneself can be productive, it can also be lead to heartache and disappointment, especially for a giant loser such as yourself.
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