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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will put your best foot forward this morning, though you'll stil have to drag the other frightening mass of flesh and bone behind it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of hesitation, you'll finally come out of your shell this week, falling prey almost immediately to a swooping falcon attack.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You shall drink from the fountain of wisdom this week, repeatedly missing your big dumb mouth, and completely soaking your ridiculous shirt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There's nothing more American than a warm slice of apple pie, which makes the three tons of explosives found in its possession that much more shocking.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Remember: Being a doctor is more than just putting on a white lab coat and going door-to-door checking in on patients. You'll need a stethoscope, too.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. Sadly, after this week's events, it'll mostly just be nightmares.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren't so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a few different levels.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she'll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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