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Vol 45 Issue 41

Community Gives Up Following Tragedy

FORT SCOTT, KS—"Honestly, I don't see the people of Fort Scott looking to one another for solace during this trying time, or really looking to one another for anything ever again," said mayor Thomas Dietrich.

Parents Against Swine Flu Vaccine

An Associated Press poll shows that 38 percent of all parents do not want their children vaccinated against the H1N1 virus, or swine flu. What do...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will put your best foot forward this morning, though you'll stil have to drag the other frightening mass of flesh and bone behind it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    After years of hesitation, you'll finally come out of your shell this week, falling prey almost immediately to a swooping falcon attack.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You shall drink from the fountain of wisdom this week, repeatedly missing your big dumb mouth, and completely soaking your ridiculous shirt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    There's nothing more American than a warm slice of apple pie, which makes the three tons of explosives found in its possession that much more shocking.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Remember: Being a doctor is more than just putting on a white lab coat and going door-to-door checking in on patients. You'll need a stethoscope, too.
  • Libra

    Libra

    They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. Sadly, after this week's events, it'll mostly just be nightmares.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren't so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a few different levels.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she'll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.
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