Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION