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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
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    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting.

More from this section

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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