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Vol 45 Issue 43

WNBA Franchise Moving To Tulsa Sounds About Right

DETROIT—A recent announcement that the WNBA's Detroit Shock would be moving to Tulsa, OK next season seemed pretty much in line with what one would expect from the women's professional basketball league, observers told reporters Sunday.

Sound Strategy Booed

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Completely ignoring the benefits of proper time management, the establishment of good field position, and patience, Jaguars...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological-disease outbreak.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    They've taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then they have access to a thesaurus.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Continuing a proud, age-old tradition, you will hand down your family's priceless heirlooms to the next generation of Chinatown pawnbrokers this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of "Head Whiner."
  • Libra

    Libra

    You've always prided yourself on being able to both "talk the talk" and "walk the walk," but a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    There's nothing wrong with being attracted to a man in uniform, but the stars still think you can do better than building custodian.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A scantily clad stripper will soon jump out of the cake, confirming a rather embarrassing mix-up at the bakery, and completely ruining your daughter's fourth birthday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You've heard the saying "you are what you eat" many times before, but prosecutors will surely describe you as anything but an innocent newborn.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars foresee travel in your future, so get ready to finally put on a pair of decent pants.
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