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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life's story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it'll only last about thirty seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll discover the long-sought missing link between humans and apes this week, moments after standing directly in front of your bathroom mirror.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A strange feeling will soon come over you when doctors pull out a smaller, screaming woman out of you, a larger, screaming woman.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Despite several face-to-face meetings, and a series of concessions on your part, the ants still will refuse to recognize your truce.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: Your grandfather is more than just a member of the family, he's a living time machine to the incredibly confused past!
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your job may not help to save any lives, or cure people of fatal diseases, which is a problem, as you're a highly regarded heart surgeon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A courageous time traveler will journey back in time this week to save your poorly thought-out student film from a lack of ending.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nobody really understands you like your husband does, except maybe for every single American who's ever read a copy of Atlas Shrugged.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A backyard barbecue this week will smell a lot more fun than it actually is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After years of keeping the secret to yourself, you will finally break your silence this week on that one thing nobody really cares about.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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