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Vol 45 Issue 45

College Freshman Makes Triumphant Return To High School

COCONUT CREEK, FL—"I'm back, Bayshore High," 18-year-old Henry Doyle announced as he pulled his mother's Toyota Camry slowly into the parking lot normally reserved for faculty, emerging with a knowing grin. "Bet you never thought you'd see the likes of me again!"

Just Area Man's Luck

KENOSHA, WI—Amid questions as to why this kind of shit always happens to him, area resident Patrick Kennedy told reporters Monday it was...

Ohio Legalized Casinos

Voters in Ohio approved a plan to open casinos in the state's four largest cities. What do you think?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Advertising

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    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Remember: It's always a good idea to wait at least 30 minutes before going ahead and defecating in the pool.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Turns out it's actually a grease fire, that pitcher is filled with gasoline, and all those firefighters are merely strippers.
  • Leo

    Leo

    While teaching the lowland gorilla how to communicate is entirely possible, getting the self-obsessed primate to shut the hell up is a whole other story.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The otherworldly spirit of William Safire will visit you this evening and spend the next three hours correcting every grammatical mistake you've ever made.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll have a hard time controlling yourself this week, but then that's what the serene-looking men in lab coats are here for.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Due to adverse weather conditions and severe delays, your next stop this evening will no longer be "Party Town!"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your big mouth will get you in a lot of trouble this week, though it's actually your small jaw that'll be to blame.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Life may seem like one big game to you, which explains the little plastic tokens, the† six-sided dice, and your repeated utterances of "sorry!"
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Take the stars' word for it: That guy Dave from work really has it coming.
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