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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: It's always a good idea to wait at least 30 minutes before going ahead and defecating in the pool.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Turns out it's actually a grease fire, that pitcher is filled with gasoline, and all those firefighters are merely strippers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While teaching the lowland gorilla how to communicate is entirely possible, getting the self-obsessed primate to shut the hell up is a whole other story.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The otherworldly spirit of William Safire will visit you this evening and spend the next three hours correcting every grammatical mistake you've ever made.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll have a hard time controlling yourself this week, but then that's what the serene-looking men in lab coats are here for.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Due to adverse weather conditions and severe delays, your next stop this evening will no longer be "Party Town!"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your big mouth will get you in a lot of trouble this week, though it's actually your small jaw that'll be to blame.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Life may seem like one big game to you, which explains the little plastic tokens, the† six-sided dice, and your repeated utterances of "sorry!"
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Take the stars' word for it: That guy Dave from work really has it coming.

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