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Vol 45 Issue 46

Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN

The outspoken CNN anchor announced Wednesday that he was resigning, effective immediately. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Years of backbreaking work will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Life will imitate art this Tuesday when a multi-planar figure of a woman stands languidly beside an abstracted carafe of wine.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted to a giant flame today.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.
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