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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Years of backbreaking work will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Life will imitate art this Tuesday when a multi-planar figure of a woman stands languidly beside an abstracted carafe of wine.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted to a giant flame today.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.

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