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Vol 45 Issue 47

Nets Announce Team Is In Re-Demolition Mode

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In a continuing effort to destroy their roster and ultimately cause their team's collapse, Nets officials announced Monday that the franchise was entrenched in a long-term re-demolition process.

Several 2009 MLB Awards Clearly Thought Up On The Spot

NEW YORK—A number of players suggested to reporters Monday that, with accolades such as the AL Platinum Baseman Award and the Best Lead Off of the Year Trophy, the Baseball Writers' Association of America was almost certainly making up its year-end honors on the spot.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Sure, they're quite festive-looking, and they certainly help to spread holiday cheer, but maybe it's time you got those antlers checked.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Remember: Don't let any man tell you what to do. Or who to do it to. Or what the hell they're even talking about in the first place.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    When played with skill and grace, the game of soccer is like poetry in motion. Which explains all the bored-stiff people just pretending to follow along.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll popularize a new dance craze this week, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Virgo is often known for its stubborn and headstrong nature. Yes, it is. Yes, it fucking is.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You're about to enter a strange upside-down universe, one where white is black, black is white, and people don't need to remind you when to chew.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Doctors will refuse to operate on you this week, not due to any moral dilemmas, fiscal concerns, or even health-related fears. They're just vindictive bastards.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Remember: There's no use in screaming and crying all day long. They're going to change your diaper when they get to it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Everyone would stop telling you to keep your hands to yourself, if they only knew what you did with them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    They say the children are our future. However, what they fail to mention is that it's a post-apocalyptic future, where the blood of small infants will be used to feed our giant man-machine overlords.
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