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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sure, they're quite festive-looking, and they certainly help to spread holiday cheer, but maybe it's time you got those antlers checked.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: Don't let any man tell you what to do. Or who to do it to. Or what the hell they're even talking about in the first place.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When played with skill and grace, the game of soccer is like poetry in motion. Which explains all the bored-stiff people just pretending to follow along.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll popularize a new dance craze this week, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgo is often known for its stubborn and headstrong nature. Yes, it is. Yes, it fucking is.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're about to enter a strange upside-down universe, one where white is black, black is white, and people don't need to remind you when to chew.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Doctors will refuse to operate on you this week, not due to any moral dilemmas, fiscal concerns, or even health-related fears. They're just vindictive bastards.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: There's no use in screaming and crying all day long. They're going to change your diaper when they get to it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Everyone would stop telling you to keep your hands to yourself, if they only knew what you did with them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    They say the children are our future. However, what they fail to mention is that it's a post-apocalyptic future, where the blood of small infants will be used to feed our giant man-machine overlords.
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