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Vol 45 Issue 48

Drug Found To Boost Female Libido

Flibanserin, a drug developed unsuccessfully as a treatment for depression, was shown to increase and enhance sex drive in women. What do you...

Gunman Thought Coworkers Would Be Back From Lunch By Now

NEW YORK—"Huh, I wonder where everyone is," said the emotionally disturbed publishing professional, bringing the high-powered assault weapon down from eye-level and slowly snapping the safety back on. "Definitely thought they'd be back from that sandwich place by now."
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're not the type of guy who gets all mushy, but that will change this week, when they leave you out in the sun.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You bring out the very best in those around you. This week, those around you will include four firefighters, a team of baffled paramedics, and several circus chimps.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Remember: Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol. Some problems require you to forge ahead into drugs and alcohol.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You still have no idea what makes most women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of certified watchmakers.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The stars foresee a time of great pain and suffering and loss in the days to come. Or, as they're referring to it as, appointment viewing.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Death will soon take a holiday, leaving you in charge of watering its plants, feeding its two tabby cats, and knocking this Friday on your elderly father's door.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A deadly game of cat and mouse will play out this week when you spend several hours pawing curiously at your corporate rival.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that there's more with actor James Spader right after this commercial break.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    They say that chivalry is dead, though it's kind of hard to hear it when dragging them by the hair like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    For the millionth time, telling the truth doesn't technically qualify as a speech impediment.
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