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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not the type of guy who gets all mushy, but that will change this week, when they leave you out in the sun.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You bring out the very best in those around you. This week, those around you will include four firefighters, a team of baffled paramedics, and several circus chimps.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol. Some problems require you to forge ahead into drugs and alcohol.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You still have no idea what makes most women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of certified watchmakers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars foresee a time of great pain and suffering and loss in the days to come. Or, as they're referring to it as, appointment viewing.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Death will soon take a holiday, leaving you in charge of watering its plants, feeding its two tabby cats, and knocking this Friday on your elderly father's door.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A deadly game of cat and mouse will play out this week when you spend several hours pawing curiously at your corporate rival.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that there's more with actor James Spader right after this commercial break.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say that chivalry is dead, though it's kind of hard to hear it when dragging them by the hair like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    For the millionth time, telling the truth doesn't technically qualify as a speech impediment.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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