Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your expanding consciousness will bring you a deeper and deeper understanding of the universe until your head bursts like an overripe melon.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Everyone doubted you when you said you were going to bike across the country last summer. Make them feel bad by telling them it's their fault you didn't.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Though you insist you can stop drinking whenever you want, the truth is, you can't seem to function without five or six pints of water a day.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Admit it: Things just haven't been the same for you since you gave in and started wearing pants again.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You've listened to it over and over, but you still fail to see how Frampton is supposed to "come alive."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will see your fate unfold as through a glass, darkly. This is largely due to your sunglasses.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The Zodiac is still around during the daytime, even if you can't see it. So don't try anything funny, okay?
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You've learned a few things in your life, but as you'll soon see, looking both ways before crossing the street isn't one of them.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION