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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your expanding consciousness will bring you a deeper and deeper understanding of the universe until your head bursts like an overripe melon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone doubted you when you said you were going to bike across the country last summer. Make them feel bad by telling them it's their fault you didn't.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though you insist you can stop drinking whenever you want, the truth is, you can't seem to function without five or six pints of water a day.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Admit it: Things just haven't been the same for you since you gave in and started wearing pants again.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've listened to it over and over, but you still fail to see how Frampton is supposed to "come alive."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will see your fate unfold as through a glass, darkly. This is largely due to your sunglasses.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Zodiac is still around during the daytime, even if you can't see it. So don't try anything funny, okay?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've learned a few things in your life, but as you'll soon see, looking both ways before crossing the street isn't one of them.

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