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Vol 45 Issue 50

Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke

DAYTON, OH—Every single person, historical figure, and anthropomorphic talking object from Brian Jensen's dream Sunday night was suddenly struck by the unusually powerful smell of smoke, subconscious sources reported.

Mark Ingram

The Alabama halfback may become the first Crimson Tide player ever to win the Heisman. Is he any good?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    Tuberculosis is certainly not the death sentence it used to be, though that'll be hard to tell just by looking at you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your support system is loving, reassuring, and always there for you, but sooner or later it's bound to run out of donuts.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Perhaps your pets could be cuter, but that's no excuse for sewing them inside your favorite stuffed animals.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good time to stop giving blood.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It's not everyday that money just falls out of the sky, but thanks to the Sears Tower, existential hopelessness, and pockets filled with change, it will today.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
  • Libra

    Libra

    They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Thankfully for you, his are completely bloodshot.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'd really like to know where the people who say, "another day, another dollar" are getting their money from.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The debate over stun guns will take a strange turn when you drunkenly decide that they probably wouldn't work on you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll take it like a man this week, which pretty much just means you'll be too embarrassed to ask what "it" is.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The stars can't decide what's more embarrassing, the fact that you still live out of a suitcase, or that you're a professional ventriloquist dummy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You've always thought you'd make a great father, but private investigators hired by seven of your former girlfriends have different views on the subject.
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