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Vol 46 Issue 02

Roommate's Work Schedule Remains Complete And Total Mystery

BOSTON—"I'm not sure exactly what he does, but I think he said he works at this place where he makes these calls to people for these events," said Kyle Fisher, who added that, from what he can tell, his roommate works anywhere from 10 to 60 hours a week.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    The suit jacket and tie might make you look more professional, but at the end of the day, you're still not wearing any pants.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Try as you might, you'll find yourself completely unable to escape this week's M.C. Escher Museum fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, after losing your family, job, and home, it's probably time you start accepting some from passersby.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    What begins this week as a hilarious balls-copying prank will end minutes later with the discovery of a rather large testicular tumor.
  • Leo

    Leo

    In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    For the third time this week, you'll be forced to open up that same old tupperware container of leftover whupass.
  • Libra

    Libra

    A man is defined by the decisions he makes. Not listening to this piece of trite advice is probably a good start.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Farm animals can often sense an earthquake seconds before it hits, which explains why they're all looking at you with that huge grin on their face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    They say you can't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes, but after 3,000 feet, you're beginning to suspect he'd like to have his sneakers back.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    After years of intense searching, you'll finally find yourself this week—naked, alone, and with a six foot gash across your forehead.
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