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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you'll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Once again, the specter of war will dominate international news, preventing people the world over from learning how you made the world's largest apple pie.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Some people believe your house in Heaven is filled with all the things you lost while on earth, which explains the dead pets lying everywhere.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    As it turns out, there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.

More from this section

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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