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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Due to repeated instances of nudity, and loud, often offensive outbursts of profanity, you'll soon be labeled as NSFW.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your scout leader will soon teach you the square knot, the clove hitch, the lark's head, and the bowline, leaving each and every one of your limbs securely tied to their respective bedposts.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It will end with a big musical number, which is unfortunate, as it will also start with a big musical number, and contain a series of rather large musical numbers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Alien visitors from another galaxy will soon present mankind with the secret to peace, but not before you shoot the living hell out of them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If there’s one thing you hate about yourself it’s your lack of firm decision-making skills. Either that or maybe your hair color.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars predict a night's journey over water this week, so go ahead, and break out those rubber sheets once again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Delight will soon be yours when you celebrate Black History Month and Valentine's Day on the same night.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will drink from the cup of life this week, in an effort to wash down the giant Cuban sandwich of self-hate.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Being pretty isn't easy. (Keep this in mind if through some improbable turn, you ever become pretty).

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