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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Due to repeated instances of nudity, and loud, often offensive outbursts of profanity, you'll soon be labeled as NSFW.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your scout leader will soon teach you the square knot, the clove hitch, the lark's head, and the bowline, leaving each and every one of your limbs securely tied to their respective bedposts.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It will end with a big musical number, which is unfortunate, as it will also start with a big musical number, and contain a series of rather large musical numbers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Alien visitors from another galaxy will soon present mankind with the secret to peace, but not before you shoot the living hell out of them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If there’s one thing you hate about yourself it’s your lack of firm decision-making skills. Either that or maybe your hair color.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars predict a night's journey over water this week, so go ahead, and break out those rubber sheets once again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Delight will soon be yours when you celebrate Black History Month and Valentine's Day on the same night.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will drink from the cup of life this week, in an effort to wash down the giant Cuban sandwich of self-hate.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Being pretty isn't easy. (Keep this in mind if through some improbable turn, you ever become pretty).

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