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Vol 46 Issue 04

Disney Shutters Miramax

The Walt Disney Company is closing down its indie-film arm Miramax, the home of such films as The Piano and Pulp Fiction. What do...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    Due to repeated instances of nudity, and loud, often offensive outbursts of profanity, you'll soon be labeled as NSFW.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your scout leader will soon teach you the square knot, the clove hitch, the lark's head, and the bowline, leaving each and every one of your limbs securely tied to their respective bedposts.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    It will end with a big musical number, which is unfortunate, as it will also start with a big musical number, and contain a series of rather large musical numbers.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Alien visitors from another galaxy will soon present mankind with the secret to peace, but not before you shoot the living hell out of them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    If there’s one thing you hate about yourself it’s your lack of firm decision-making skills. Either that or maybe your hair color.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The stars predict a night's journey over water this week, so go ahead, and break out those rubber sheets once again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Delight will soon be yours when you celebrate Black History Month and Valentine's Day on the same night.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will drink from the cup of life this week, in an effort to wash down the giant Cuban sandwich of self-hate.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Remember: Being pretty isn't easy. (Keep this in mind if through some improbable turn, you ever become pretty).
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