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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A bizarre misunderstanding on your part will result in your going to church every Sunday and speaking sincerely to invisible entities with the belief that it might do you some sort of good.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your insistence that no one can possibly know how you feel right now will only point out how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a row.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Personal growth looms large in your future as you are transformed into a 1,000-foot giant who blots out the sun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    All things considered, it's a good thing you aren't in the prostitution business for the money.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're getting to the point where you'd kill for a cigarette, despite never having smoked in your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven't seen the last of that dastardly villain.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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