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Vol 46 Issue 07

Local Snowplow Guy Ruins Winter Olympics

VANCOUVER—The 2010 Winter Olympics were postponed indefinitely Friday morning after snowplow operator Dominic Wondolowski arrived on the scene Thursday night, a snowplow affixed to his 1994 Ford F-150, and proceeded to clear out nearly all of the snow from every Olympic venue.

Construction Restricts Daytona 500 Traffic To One Lane

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Construction crews working to patch the rippled and broken asphalt of Daytona International Speedway reduced traffic to a single lane during last Sunday's Daytona 500, resulting in average speeds of 35 miles per hour.

Nate Robinson

The high-scoring point guard is now the first three-time NBA Slam-Dunk Contest winner. Is he any good?

Lawmaker Seeks To Ban U.S. Currency

Mike Pitts, a representative in the South Carolina legislature, has proposed a law that would replace dollars with gold and silver in his state. What...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. The phrase you're looking for is "never had a reason to live."
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
  • Libra

    Libra

    All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll be honored as a true War Hero, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.
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