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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. The phrase you're looking for is "never had a reason to live."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be honored as a true War Hero, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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