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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Try listening to your body this week. It's got a bunch of really great stories about hanging out with Jimmy Page.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sure, they might blame you now, but how were you supposed to know the waters were unsafe at Everyone Always Gets Killed Beach.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After days of searching, you'll finally find comfort this week. Just above "comforter," and right below "confit."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Internal bleeding is usually a sign of serious trauma, so relax, you and your blood-soaked clothes are totally fine.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    By this time next year, you'll be 400,000 dollars richer, two cars the better, and just as gullible as you are now.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes in life you just have to march right in there, introduce yourself, fight off a couple of rather large security guards, and demand a raise.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: Guns aren't toys. Except for the plastic toy kind. Or the high-powered rifle kind, which you can totally use to have a ton of fun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your two pack-a-day habit will finally kill you this week, but then, that's a lot of wolves to fight off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars foresee a time of great uncertainty in the day to come. Also, the stars foresee a time of great covering their collective asses in the days to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    All of your questions will be answered this week, moments after the zookeeper, the fire marshal, and the roller-coaster operator all tell you, "No."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The attention is nice and all, but in the end, you put your pants on just like everyone else: One thirty million dollar cybernetic leg at a time.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    What's the matter? Couldn't find your precious People magazine horoscopes this week? Oh, you want your fortune, do you? Here's your fortune: Go die, asshole.

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