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Vol 46 Issue 08

Ski Jumper Has To Work On His Soaring

VANCOUVER—Following a disappointing 98.5-meter effort that onlookers described as a "longish hop" or "sort of a flutter," ski jumper Hans Pavelka announced Friday that he would redouble his commitment to soaring.

GM Closing Hummer

After a takeover deal with a Chinese manufacturer fell through, General Motors announced that it would shut down its Hummer line. What do you...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    Try listening to your body this week. It's got a bunch of really great stories about hanging out with Jimmy Page.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Sure, they might blame you now, but how were you supposed to know the waters were unsafe at Everyone Always Gets Killed Beach.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    After days of searching, you'll finally find comfort this week. Just above "comforter," and right below "confit."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Internal bleeding is usually a sign of serious trauma, so relax, you and your blood-soaked clothes are totally fine.
  • Leo

    Leo

    By this time next year, you'll be 400,000 dollars richer, two cars the better, and just as gullible as you are now.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Sometimes in life you just have to march right in there, introduce yourself, fight off a couple of rather large security guards, and demand a raise.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Remember: Guns aren't toys. Except for the plastic toy kind. Or the high-powered rifle kind, which you can totally use to have a ton of fun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your two pack-a-day habit will finally kill you this week, but then, that's a lot of wolves to fight off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The stars foresee a time of great uncertainty in the day to come. Also, the stars foresee a time of great covering their collective asses in the days to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    All of your questions will be answered this week, moments after the zookeeper, the fire marshal, and the roller-coaster operator all tell you, "No."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The attention is nice and all, but in the end, you put your pants on just like everyone else: One thirty million dollar cybernetic leg at a time.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    What's the matter? Couldn't find your precious People magazine horoscopes this week? Oh, you want your fortune, do you? Here's your fortune: Go die, asshole.
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