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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll continue playing dress-up this week, despite being almost 30, and feeling kind of silly every time you put on that professional-looking suit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: God means something different to everyone, but only you, and those who agree with you, are right.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The human mind is a thing of startling beauty. Unfortunately yours is mostly filled with old phone numbers and minor celebrity trivia.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Nobody knows the troubles you've seen. Remind them of this fact at every possible opportunity.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A tall, dark stranger stops by, lucky numbers 7 and 29 are in the studio, and musical guest Vampire Weekend—-all that and much, much more, tonight on Later With Libra.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say that having a child changes anything, but what they really mean is "keeping a child."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After weeks of setbacks, false-alarms, and outright obstructionism, Congress will finally pass a massive, 3.4 ounce kidney stone this Friday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    More and more, you're beginning to suspect your nickname might be pejorative.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Any hope you once had of aging with grace and dignity will be dashed this week, when you turn 25.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Ignorance and stupidity will soon be yours, when the Tree of Wisdom is cut down to make room for another mini-mall.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those "take-a-penny" trays at the truckstops along I-90.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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