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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Use the watering can of good intentions to nurture the fig tree of expectations. There, enjoy figuring that one out, you jerks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will soon be divided into Pre-Angering-Of-The-Ants and Post-Angering-Of-The-Ants eras.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't let anybody tell you what you can or cannot do. That's for you, three to five of your ribs, and most of the hearing in your left ear, to decide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that you've been looking really great lately. Also, the stars indicate that they could really use your help moving next weekend.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You claim that nobody understand you, but then, the strange white men in lab coats are doing the best they can.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's never really been about race, or religion, or even politics for you, which is great, since "it," in this case, refers to eating a meatball sub.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You can try dancing around the issue all you want, but in the end, you still don't know what to do with your arms while on the dance floor.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Advances in science will soon allow man to travel to the most distant corners of the universe. Still no word, however, on it being able to get you off that couch.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If someone had told you 30 years ago that you'd end up an insurance salesman, you probably would have laughed. Then again, you would've been 6-months-old at the time.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Romance is in the air for Pisces this week, as well as on the bed-sheets, the nearby curtains, and in a growing puddle on the floor.

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