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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Use the watering can of good intentions to nurture the fig tree of expectations. There, enjoy figuring that one out, you jerks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will soon be divided into Pre-Angering-Of-The-Ants and Post-Angering-Of-The-Ants eras.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't let anybody tell you what you can or cannot do. That's for you, three to five of your ribs, and most of the hearing in your left ear, to decide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that you've been looking really great lately. Also, the stars indicate that they could really use your help moving next weekend.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You claim that nobody understand you, but then, the strange white men in lab coats are doing the best they can.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's never really been about race, or religion, or even politics for you, which is great, since "it," in this case, refers to eating a meatball sub.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You can try dancing around the issue all you want, but in the end, you still don't know what to do with your arms while on the dance floor.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Advances in science will soon allow man to travel to the most distant corners of the universe. Still no word, however, on it being able to get you off that couch.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If someone had told you 30 years ago that you'd end up an insurance salesman, you probably would have laughed. Then again, you would've been 6-months-old at the time.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Romance is in the air for Pisces this week, as well as on the bed-sheets, the nearby curtains, and in a growing puddle on the floor.

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