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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Use the watering can of good intentions to nurture the fig tree of expectations. There, enjoy figuring that one out, you jerks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will soon be divided into Pre-Angering-Of-The-Ants and Post-Angering-Of-The-Ants eras.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't let anybody tell you what you can or cannot do. That's for you, three to five of your ribs, and most of the hearing in your left ear, to decide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that you've been looking really great lately. Also, the stars indicate that they could really use your help moving next weekend.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You claim that nobody understand you, but then, the strange white men in lab coats are doing the best they can.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's never really been about race, or religion, or even politics for you, which is great, since "it," in this case, refers to eating a meatball sub.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You can try dancing around the issue all you want, but in the end, you still don't know what to do with your arms while on the dance floor.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Advances in science will soon allow man to travel to the most distant corners of the universe. Still no word, however, on it being able to get you off that couch.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If someone had told you 30 years ago that you'd end up an insurance salesman, you probably would have laughed. Then again, you would've been 6-months-old at the time.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Romance is in the air for Pisces this week, as well as on the bed-sheets, the nearby curtains, and in a growing puddle on the floor.

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