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Vol 46 Issue 10

Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone

CHARLOTTE, NC—In an effort to avoid physical exertion, strenuous activity, and standing up, slothful free agent Hollis Thomas told several NFL general managers Friday that he would prefer to try out for their teams over the phone.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Use the watering can of good intentions to nurture the fig tree of expectations. There, enjoy figuring that one out, you jerks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your life will soon be divided into Pre-Angering-Of-The-Ants and Post-Angering-Of-The-Ants eras.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Don't let anybody tell you what you can or cannot do. That's for you, three to five of your ribs, and most of the hearing in your left ear, to decide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The stars indicate that you've been looking really great lately. Also, the stars indicate that they could really use your help moving next weekend.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You claim that nobody understand you, but then, the strange white men in lab coats are doing the best they can.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    It's never really been about race, or religion, or even politics for you, which is great, since "it," in this case, refers to eating a meatball sub.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You can try dancing around the issue all you want, but in the end, you still don't know what to do with your arms while on the dance floor.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Advances in science will soon allow man to travel to the most distant corners of the universe. Still no word, however, on it being able to get you off that couch.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    If someone had told you 30 years ago that you'd end up an insurance salesman, you probably would have laughed. Then again, you would've been 6-months-old at the time.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Romance is in the air for Pisces this week, as well as on the bed-sheets, the nearby curtains, and in a growing puddle on the floor.
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