Your Horoscopes

In This Section

Vol 46 Issue 11

NHL Holds Fan Attendance Night

NEW YORK—In a promotion aimed at encouraging people who like hockey to come and watch teams play the sport, the NHL held its first-ever Fan Attendance Night on Tuesday.

Newest Bronco Brady Quinn: 'The Brody Qualls Era Has Begun'

DENVER—In the first of what is expected to be a long series of gaffes with his new team, quarterback Brady Quinn bungled a statement to Broncos coaches, players, and fans Tuesday by mistakenly declaring that the Brody Qualls era had begun in Denver.

Sometimes, Area Woman Just Feels...

BELMONT, NH—"It's not anybody’s fault, honestly," said 28-year-old Megan Slota, standing in her kitchen and holding a mug of tea with both hands. "Sometimes I just get like this where it's like I'm not, I guess, whatever. We don’t have to get into it right now."

Entire Nation Picks Same Bracket

WASHINGTON—Citizens across the United States have selected the exact same teams to win every single game of the NCAA Tournament, handing in millions of completely identical brackets, college-basketball-pool organizers reported Thursday.

Merlin Olsen

As a defensive lineman, the late Merlin Olsen was a 14-time Pro Bowler; as an actor, he starred in Father Murphy. Was he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a Dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    After exhausting every other conceivable option, you'll finally give in this week and take a shower.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll be credited with a new kind of piracy that is even less glamorous than "software" and "music," and a hell of a lot less sexy than "butt."
  • Libra

    Libra

    Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Being white and wealthy and privileged does have its share advantages. That's it.
Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More