adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes

Top Headlines

Entertainment

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a Dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After exhausting every other conceivable option, you'll finally give in this week and take a shower.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be credited with a new kind of piracy that is even less glamorous than "software" and "music," and a hell of a lot less sexy than "butt."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Being white and wealthy and privileged does have its share advantages. That's it.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close