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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

The Onion’s Fall TV Preview

Networks are just weeks away from debuting their Fall lineups, featuring both new shows and returning favorites. The Onion breaks down what to watch this Fall.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 8, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You’ll once again get into a public shouting match at an upscale bistro over what is and is not in fact gangsta.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Somehow it just seems unfair that several famous people will make hundreds of dollars after picking you for next week’s Mundane Individual Dead Pool.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Venus rising in your sign this week sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings but the Zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The largest meteorite ever to hit a person was about 45 pounds, making you a posthumous shoo-in for the record next Wednesday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The universal red shift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.”
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars are tired of politely nodding when you say you’re single because you’re “too picky.” Put down the fork and pick up the soap, dammit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say God never gives us more than we can handle, which must mean He knows a way you can handle a swarm of hyperagressive Africanized bees.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Before making any important business decisions next week, ask yourself if you’re using the same decision-making criteria that sent you to prison.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’ll undergo the kind of stress that would break a lesser woman and which will cause whatever kind of woman you are to shatter into a coarse powder.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your dreams will all come true next week, including the ones you have thus far mercifully forgotten on waking.

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