adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 2, 2016

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’ll be punished for playing God this week, which isn’t surprising, considering the Cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blond hair you gave Him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    NASA officials will once again select you for a very important mission. Though, to be fair, going out and getting them coffee isn’t as exciting as it used to be.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All of your money problems will soon be solved, including how many more quarters Suzie has than Scott, and what, if any change, Michael should get back from Michelle.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After years of painstaking research and rigorous clinical trials, medical science still doesn’t have an answer for why you’re such a jerk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    That bottle of whiskey might help you sleep, but then, there’s probably an easier way than smashing it over your head every night.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You’ll be praised for your contributions in the field of forensic science, though much of the credit should go to the barbed wire, the hydrofluoric acid, and the radial arm saw.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Previously on Libra: “Is that…could it be…yes, it’s the tall, dark stranger!” “Welcome to Sydney, madam, I hope last night’s journey over water was to your liking.” “32, 8, 17, 24, 5.”
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You’ll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his neighbor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A mixture of dread, anxiety, and utter disgust will be yours this week when the nation’s housing blister finally bursts.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You’ll soon bathe in the blood of your enemies, though not before a number of rather embarrassing hints from your friends.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Avoid staring directly at the stars this week, as a rider in their contract forbids anyone from making eye contact with them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’ve spent years living in a fantasy world, which is rather unfortunate, as it’s one dreamed up by that hack Robert Jordan.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close