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The Onion’s Fall TV Preview

Networks are just weeks away from debuting their Fall lineups, featuring both new shows and returning favorites. The Onion breaks down what to watch this Fall.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 28, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It’s not so much your intimacy issues, or even your commitment issues that will stand in your way. It’s your Uncanny X-men issues.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You’ll lose your oldest and dearest friend to smoking this week, shortly after running out of cigarettes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Life has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, which isn’t surprising, considering what a complete jerk life can be.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You look handsome and dashing in your brand new suit. Now, if only a close friend or relative would die, you’d be all set.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There’s nothing harder in the world than losing a child, especially when wagering with a full house.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You’d pretty much kill for the chance to start things over again, which come to think of it, is how you got yourself into this mess to begin with.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It will be born with ten perfect little fingers and ten perfect little toes, much to the horror of everyone at the reptile breeding center.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don’t worry: They’re not laughing at your repeated and costly failures. They’re laughing with your repeated and costly failures.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Most women are attracted to power and status, but then the stars don’t need to tell you that, Mr. General Manager of the Court Street Baskin-Robbins.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Just when things seem to be going your way, the baboons will suddenly and violently wake up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: Love is more than just feelings of infatuation and attraction and lust. Usually, there’s a few feet of rope also involved.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The presence of Jupiter in your fourth house indicates newfound personal maturity. The presence of empty pizza boxes in your first apartment, however, suggests otherwise.

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