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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 7, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing sixty-three employees.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You’ve never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You’ll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you’ll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There’s a time and a place for everything, as you’ll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It’s that time of the lunar cycle again!
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your entire life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don’t have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it’s better you don’t know.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your mother claims that she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret government project?
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