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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 26, 2016

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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 26, 2016

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’ve long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of putting up an emotional wall, you’ll realize the error of your ways this week and purchase 3 tons of brick and cement instead.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will uncover an ancient Aztec curse this Thursday, one frightened locals say translates to “motherfucker.”
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The baboon will see you as a threat to the social hierarchy of the pack, which, truth be told, is giving you way too much credit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    He’ll scream, they’ll scream, you’ll all scream for ice cream—forcing several orderlies to rush back into the room and strap everyone down in their beds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    They say you’re getting a little too old for a pacifier. Then again, as long as they let you keep sucking on their tits they can say whatever they want.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’re a great believer in “an eye for an eye,” but you still don’t understand why they always have to use yours.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A car accident awaits you in the coming days, which is unfortunate, as it’s the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas stations.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill, and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’re a natural-born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Pisces.

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