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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 3, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars would love nothing more than to reveal your future this week, but unfortunately, they’re just large luminous balls of plasma held together by gravity in space.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You might be nervous and intimidated and even a little scared, but take heart: Those women are just as frightened of you as you are of them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A popular new idiom will soon be coined, thanks to you, that broken-down apple pie cart, and all those quarters tumbling out of your ass.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All the praying in the world can’t save you now. Quick, turn to demon worship and the black arts before it’s too late.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Alcohol, a case of mistaken identity, and two screaming ends of a pantomime horse will figure heavily this coming Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    As an educator, you always hoped you’d make a difference someday, which just goes to show that no one is ever to old to learn something new.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will once again bring out the very best in your local police, fire, and sanitation control departments.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Admitting to past mistakes is never easy, so it’s a good thing you happen to be an unrepentant bitch.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your hard work and dedication will finally pay off this week when you’re accepted into Harbard. Unfortunately for you, though, that’s not a typo.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars indicate that this is a good week to start up new and steamy romances. Your office’s sexual harassment policy, however, indicates otherwise.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Long after the dust has settled, the smoke has cleared, and everyone has said their piece, you’ll still be standing there, asking a bunch of ridiculous questions.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The little voices inside your head will continue to disagree over what to set fire to first.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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