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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 11, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your last hope of finding true and unconditional love ends this week when your ideal mate is executed by the State of Texas for unspeakable crimes against humanity.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This week’s revelations will be especially mortifying for you, seeing as you’ve been insisting for years that that life is not some sort of big pie-eating contest.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It’s not easy being a woman these days, what with you calling them up all the time and repeatedly begging for a second chance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You’ll suddenly be torn away from your friends and cast out of the only home you’ve ever known by the authorities, who insist your sentence is over and you’re free to go.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Just as you’ve always suspected, it is in fact a felony to use your particular method of “getting girls.”
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Next week will be a time of magical romance and unending joy for you, thanks to your boundless talent for self-delusion.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’re going to need a lot of epsom salts and lip balm this week. No, honestly, you can trust us. This isn’t like the time with the horse laxatives.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Someday you might learn that it is indeed possible to take a fun thing too far, but not before next week’s experimentation with autoerotic asphyxiation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your proclivities towards paranoia and depression combine when you start to think a race of alien lizard-people are controlling life’s lowest echelons from behind the scenes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In a wacky horoscopic mixup, you’ll encounter a mysterious stranger who takes you on a journey over water just as you’re trying to start new projects at work.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Keep extra apples and bandages around the house next week, as your lover seems to be going through a William Tell phase.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There will be nothing you can do to avert the disaster of next week, although there will be plenty that a reasonably bright and competent person could do.

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