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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 20, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Venus is in retrograde in your sign this week, which you’d think would mean problems in your love life but actually indicates imminent botulism. Interesting, isn’t it?
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Avoid making decisions based on ambiguous advice from questionable sources this week, even if she was in labor with you for 38 hours.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Change will come to your neighborhood when you piss off an air traffic controller who knows your home address the same day his ex boards a 747 to Maui.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You’ve never been the sort of person who lets all kinds of supposed “signs” tell you how you should drive your car.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You’re starting to think that maybe the funny nose and glasses won’t actually be enough to hide you when Jesus returns in all his glory.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes it feels as if your life’s long, empty hours are all beginning to blur together, but take heart. There really aren’t very many left.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Although the doctors want to do all they can to help ease your recovery, they cannot legally allow you to make a cool chair out of your severed limbs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio is a water sign, with all that implies, but this week it will be much more important for you to pay attention to Fire Exit signs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll continue to be baffled by people who expect you to be their friend and call them just because you have previously said the words “We’re friends” and “I’ll call you.”
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Love magick is strong in Taurus this week, leading those lucky enough to be born under that sign far, far away from you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your death will be painful, but it will give a notorious femme fatale a chance to say, “I’m afraid I’ve always had a rather…sharp tongue.”
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life will soon lose all direction, which considering how it has been going, should come as a vast relief.

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