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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 6, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A neighbor will approach you under the guise of borrowing a cup of sugar. Provide them with sugar, but be prepared for more to be revealed in the fullness of time.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will get a haircut this week. However, when people ask if you have gotten a haircut, you will enigmatically say “Yes, I got them all cut.”
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The angels do in fact hear your prayers. In fact, they record them and play them back for fun at their laughter-filled angel parties.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You’ll finally stumble upon a copy of the secret book of the Jews only to find it bears an uncanny similarity to the first few chapters of the Bible.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When your life’s work is utterly destroyed in the blink of an eye, you will finally learn once and for all to save before the boss fights.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It will take considerable amounts of food, water, and oxygen, followed by a long period of sleep, to preserve your life for but a single day, a routine doctors say won’t work forever.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will have a potentially fatal problem that you at first believe the DJ cannot fix, but as it turns out he can do it in the mix, thereby saving your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You’ve achieved your life’s goal of becoming sex on wheels only to realize what a poor motive choice wheels are for someone who wants to have a lot of sex.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good time to stop giving blood.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Although most of the jabs at your mother’s weight are obvious hyperbole, even you will admit that she has a propensity to sit around the house.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be assured that a certain item is made with the same quality and care as certain other items, but you will have reason to believe this is not the case.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    They laughed at you for keeping condoms in your wallet “just in case,” but never as hard as they will this week.

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