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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 14, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from “Huh?” to “Who the—?” and “Whazzat?
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An agonizing and seemingly endless disemboweling will soon show you exactly what you’re made of.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world’s single most precise chaos theory.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Who’s to say what’s right and what’s wrong, except maybe for all those police officers, the presiding district court judge, and a horrified jury of your peers.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After decades of soul-searching and inward reflection, you’ll finally realize this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The alignment of the stars and the planets this week can only mean one thing: You’re looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’ve never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.

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