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Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

The Onion’s Fall TV Preview

Networks are just weeks away from debuting their Fall lineups, featuring both new shows and returning favorites. The Onion breaks down what to watch this Fall.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 7, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’ll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Millions will be rescued this week when the Red Cross deploys thousands of desperately needed words to the site of an unspeakable tragedy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You must admit that you’re sleeping better than ever, but it’s kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you’ve been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It’s best to just relax and assume they’ve figured it out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you’ve ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don’t take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn’t get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.

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