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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 18, 2016

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Not that it’s really the Zodiac’s business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A bizarre misunderstanding on your part will result in your going to church every Sunday and speaking sincerely to invisible entities with the belief that it might do you some sort of good.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your insistence that no one can possibly know how you feel right now will only point out how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a row.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars don’t think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Personal growth looms large in your future as you are transformed into a 1,000-foot giant who blots out the sun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It’ll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you’ll find out that your viewership goes up when you’re fighting or having sex.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    All things considered, it’s a good thing you aren’t in the prostitution business for the money.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’re getting to the point where you’d kill for a cigarette, despite never having smoked in your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’ll finally find the answer you’ve been searching for, moments after ruling out A., B., and multiple choice C.

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