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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 25, 2016

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: The sum of the pleasure of any two sides of a right-angle love triangle is equal to the underlying jealousy of the hypotenuse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Try not to hold onto any animosity you may feel toward your coworkers this week, as that asshole Dave would probably love it if you did.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don’t be alarmed: They’re mostly just bored.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Repeated incidents of drunken and disorderly conduct, public urination, and indecent exposure will completely ruin what was once a very charming little Funkytown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No man should be made to feel like a stranger in his own home. Even if that home no longer belongs to him, and he has sneak in through its basement window late at night.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Speed-dating may not have worked for you in the past, but this time, try it without so much methamphetamine in your system.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes you wish your kids had come with an instruction manual, but then, that’s the price you pay for getting them second-hand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You’ll be showered with dozens upon dozens of beautiful bouquets this Valentine’s Day, all carefully and lovingly arranged, around your tombstone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Disappointment will once again be yours this week when that female mongoose call turns out to be just another overweight human.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’ll find what you need in the sweet, innocent arms of a child, especially since what you need is fresh bone marrow.

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