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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 25, 2016

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: The sum of the pleasure of any two sides of a right-angle love triangle is equal to the underlying jealousy of the hypotenuse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Try not to hold onto any animosity you may feel toward your coworkers this week, as that asshole Dave would probably love it if you did.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don’t be alarmed: They’re mostly just bored.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Repeated incidents of drunken and disorderly conduct, public urination, and indecent exposure will completely ruin what was once a very charming little Funkytown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No man should be made to feel like a stranger in his own home. Even if that home no longer belongs to him, and he has sneak in through its basement window late at night.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Speed-dating may not have worked for you in the past, but this time, try it without so much methamphetamine in your system.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes you wish your kids had come with an instruction manual, but then, that’s the price you pay for getting them second-hand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You’ll be showered with dozens upon dozens of beautiful bouquets this Valentine’s Day, all carefully and lovingly arranged, around your tombstone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Disappointment will once again be yours this week when that female mongoose call turns out to be just another overweight human.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’ll find what you need in the sweet, innocent arms of a child, especially since what you need is fresh bone marrow.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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