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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 27, 2015

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Remember, taking drugs is no way to be cool and have fun. Selling drugs is the way to be cool and have fun.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There’s almost certainly a more efficient way to get through life, but by this point you’re pretty used to just following any old conga line that goes by.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Someday you’ll find you’re no longer capable of working 60 hours a week just to scrape by, which is probably right when you’ll finally get a job.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars aren’t sure what’s worse: that you keep insisting you’re the inspiration for the lizard in the insurance commercials, or that it’s true and you seem to take such pride in it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The very heavens themselves shall bestow their benevolence upon you this week, allowing you to take 15 percent off selected entrées at a popular chain of restaurants.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You were pretty sure your long, hellish ordeal was finally over, but it turns out it was renewed for another season and you still can’t stop watching it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be instrumental in disproving several popular theories next week, including the ideas that laughter is good for the soul and that a little fresh air never hurt anyone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A lot of people will be thinking about nothing but sex and violence all day, but you’re the only one doing something about it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The most difficult week of your life is coming up, but take heart: If you can get through that, you’ll have something to remember during the next 1,872 uniformly boring weeks of your life.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It’s not right to tell someone you could make a better bowl of chili with your asshole. Be the better person and show them how.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see one of those guys who wears fingerless gloves everywhere. Then you’ll think, Jesus Christ, at least you’re not that guy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars say to hold tight. Your life is about to undergo a dramatic change. Feel free to interpret that as a hopeful statement if you like.

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