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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 3, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Love is strong in your sign this week. Please be advised that, precession of the equinoxes or not, this is still your sign.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Outside influences will attempt to bedazzle you with strange mathematics and exotic rhetoric about a strange new sign in the sky, preventing you from meeting a dark-haired stranger.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Just as the ancient Babylonians were wise to restrict the telling of the future to a mere dozen signs, you would be wise to start new projects at work this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Saturn rising in your sign will subject you to the powerful force of Fate, which everybody knows is stronger by far than electromagnetism, gravity, or the nuclear strong and weak forces.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This would be a good time to beware of those who would make major changes to your dearly-held belief systems.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Vast and mighty cosmic forces stemming from the twelve majestic signs of the Zodiac have conspired to foresee travel in your future. That’s right, twelve majestic signs, not thirteen.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Learn to trust your heart. No one ever grew spiritually as a person by doing what the numbers and the science clearly indicate they should do.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You know what’s a stupid name for a Zodiac sign? Ohpiuchus. It certainly doesn’t sound like a sign that would warn you not to make big financial decisions until the full moon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Stand your ground if you and a colleague don’t see eye to eye, even if it means you have to open up the sutures yourself.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Faith is the evidence of things not seen, which any well-rounded human being must admit is better than only trusting good hard provable evidence.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is a good week to spend with family, which is the kind of advice stupid old Ohpiuchus would never have given you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Wait, if an existing constellation has that great an effect on one’s destiny, then why didn’t anyone make a fuss about Eris, Sedna and Quaoar, the planet-sized objects in the Kuiper belt?

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