Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 1, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 13

Cereal Box Characters Lure Children In With Their Eyes

According to new research, the cartoon “spokescharacters” on cereal boxes are purposefully drawn with their stares angled downward to make eye contact with young children, which researchers say raises the trust level between kids and the carto...

Coco Crisp Shyly Asks Bob Melvin If A’s Are Poor

OAKLAND, CA—Upon realizing that opponents always seem to have better facilities, equipment, and players, team sources confirmed Friday that Oakland A’s outfielder Coco Crisp approached manager Bob Melvin and quietly asked whether their team wa...

Date Invites Woman Upstairs To Check Out Red Flags

COLUMBUS, OH—Following an evening spent out at a local brewpub, area man Patrick Fitzgerald took the initiative Wednesday night to invite local woman Alicia Powell up to his apartment to see his glaring red flags, sources confirmed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 1, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    Venus is in retrograde in your sign this week, which you'd think would mean problems in your love life but actually indicate imminent botulism. Interesting, isn't it?
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Avoid making decisions based on ambiguous advice from questionable sources this week, even if she was in labor with you for 38 hours.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Change will come to your neighborhood when you piss off an air traffic controller who knows your home address the same day his ex boards a 747 to Maui.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You've never been the sort of person who lets all kinds of supposed "signs" tell you how you should drive your car.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You're starting to think that maybe the funny nose and glasses won't actually be enough to hide you when Jesus returns in all his glory.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Sometimes it feels as if your life's long, empty hours are all beginning to blur together, but take heart. There really aren't very many left.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Although the doctors want to do all they can to help ease your recovery, they cannot legally allow you to make a cool chair out of your severed limbs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    is a water sign, with all that implies, but this week it will be much more important for you to pay attention to Fire Exit signs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll continue to be baffled by people who expect you to be their friend and call them, just because you have previously said the words "We're friends" and "I'll call you."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Love magick is strong in Taurus this week, leading those lucky enough to be born under that sign far, far away from you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your death will be painful, but it will give a notorious femme fatale a chance to say "I'm afraid I've always had a rather…sharp tongue."
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your life will soon lose all direction, which considering how it has been going, should come as a vast relief.
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