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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 1, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Venus is in retrograde in your sign this week, which you'd think would mean problems in your love life but actually indicate imminent botulism. Interesting, isn't it?
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Avoid making decisions based on ambiguous advice from questionable sources this week, even if she was in labor with you for 38 hours.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Change will come to your neighborhood when you piss off an air traffic controller who knows your home address the same day his ex boards a 747 to Maui.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never been the sort of person who lets all kinds of supposed "signs" tell you how you should drive your car.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're starting to think that maybe the funny nose and glasses won't actually be enough to hide you when Jesus returns in all his glory.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes it feels as if your life's long, empty hours are all beginning to blur together, but take heart. There really aren't very many left.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Although the doctors want to do all they can to help ease your recovery, they cannot legally allow you to make a cool chair out of your severed limbs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    is a water sign, with all that implies, but this week it will be much more important for you to pay attention to Fire Exit signs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll continue to be baffled by people who expect you to be their friend and call them, just because you have previously said the words "We're friends" and "I'll call you."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Love magick is strong in Taurus this week, leading those lucky enough to be born under that sign far, far away from you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your death will be painful, but it will give a notorious femme fatale a chance to say "I'm afraid I've always had a rather…sharp tongue."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life will soon lose all direction, which considering how it has been going, should come as a vast relief.

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