Your Horoscopes - Week of April 10, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 15

April 17

Sandalwood Circle residents are advised that the Baumgartners will be having pretty loud sex this Tuesday shortly after 9 p.m.

Glass Ceiling Business

"All the feminist movement needed to do was bring on someone who had the balls to do something about this glass ceiling business." - Peter "Buck" McGowan, chief of the worldwide initiative for women's rights
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week of April 10, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    You have a mind like a steel-trap, much to the horror of all those poor naked women locked inside.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Never in a million years did you think you'd be diagnosed with split-personality disorder, which is surprising, as Frank saw it coming a mile away.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A prize-winning horse should have a thick coat, strong hindquarters, and an elegant gait. Also, it probably shouldn't talk, suddenly split in two, and run off in opposing directions.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    It's not enough to just sit there and cry about your problems all night long. Try also kicking your legs a bit to see if that helps.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Border guards will accuse you of trying to smuggle 10 pounds of prime Chilean beef inside your colon, though the condition they'll find it in will be less than desirable.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You're getting to be much too old for a babysitter, especially one who's supposed to be watching after your children.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The stars foresee a huge promotion at work this week. Get ready to move up to Senior Person Who Nobody Takes Seriously Or Respects.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Behind every successful man is a woman. However, if they find the basement full of yours, you can kiss your career in politics goodbye.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A little piece of you will die this week, clotting the little fluids it helps to circulate, collapsing the little lungs it helps to expand, and completely shutting down your little nerve center.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. However, the exaggerated and drawn-out stutter they say it with indicates otherwise.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling fears.
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