Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 12, 2011

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 12, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The rest of the year will seem to fly right by, along with a few hundred others, after you're frozen in a giant block of ice.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite the efforts of literally hundreds of singers to tell you "let's go," you have yet to actually go.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll come face-to-face with many of life's mysteries next week, none bigger than why the Angel of Death looks like a younger, slimmer Roy Clark.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not usually the kind of person who cries at weddings, but this one's of a former lover, you're at a strange place in your life, and soot gets in your eyes when the whole church burns down with everyone inside.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's sad to think that when they tell the story of your life, you'll only be remembered as one of two guys whose most notable achievement was to walk into a bar.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You and a man with no arms will be stuck in an elevator together for three and a half hours, but it'll only take you eight minutes to piss him off with insensitive questions about ass-wiping.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just when you start to think that you haven't seen the strange men in lab coats for a while, bam, there they are in line with you at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After your 17th time around as an underpaid office worker in the late-20th-to-early-21st centuries, you're really starting to become disenchanted with the whole reincarnation thing.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes you actually hate yourself for going out and drinking until five in the morning, but most times that's just what you tell people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll discover a brilliant legal loophole that will both get rid of that annoying guy at work and force the Department of Justice to serve you any meal you want.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You firmly believe that everything has a soul, which explains why you think your tape dispenser is a bad person.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The jury won't be able to really feel disgust at your habit of eating your murder victims, because, hey, who doesn't love deep-fried food on a stick?
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