Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 12, 2011

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 15

Guests Emerge Shell-Shocked From Rich People's Wedding

MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA—Citing its 80-piece orchestra and real silver place settings, several of the 500 guests at Saturday's wedding of Boston socialite Elizabeth Kessler and investment banker Peter Graham emerged from the affair dazed and disoriente...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Energy

Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 12, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    The rest of the year will seem to fly right by, along with a few hundred others, after you're frozen in a giant block of ice.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Despite the efforts of literally hundreds of singers to tell you "let's go," you have yet to actually go.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll come face-to-face with many of life's mysteries next week, none bigger than why the Angel of Death looks like a younger, slimmer Roy Clark.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You're not usually the kind of person who cries at weddings, but this one's of a former lover, you're at a strange place in your life, and soot gets in your eyes when the whole church burns down with everyone inside.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It's sad to think that when they tell the story of your life, you'll only be remembered as one of two guys whose most notable achievement was to walk into a bar.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You and a man with no arms will be stuck in an elevator together for three and a half hours, but it'll only take you eight minutes to piss him off with insensitive questions about ass-wiping.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Just when you start to think that you haven't seen the strange men in lab coats for a while, bam, there they are in line with you at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    After your 17th time around as an underpaid office worker in the late-20th-to-early-21st centuries, you're really starting to become disenchanted with the whole reincarnation thing.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Sometimes you actually hate yourself for going out and drinking until five in the morning, but most times that's just what you tell people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll discover a brilliant legal loophole that will both get rid of that annoying guy at work and force the Department of Justice to serve you any meal you want.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You firmly believe that everything has a soul, which explains why you think your tape dispenser is a bad person.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The jury won't be able to really feel disgust at your habit of eating your murder victims, because, hey, who doesn't love deep-fried food on a stick?
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More