Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 12, 2011

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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 12, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The rest of the year will seem to fly right by, along with a few hundred others, after you're frozen in a giant block of ice.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite the efforts of literally hundreds of singers to tell you "let's go," you have yet to actually go.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll come face-to-face with many of life's mysteries next week, none bigger than why the Angel of Death looks like a younger, slimmer Roy Clark.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not usually the kind of person who cries at weddings, but this one's of a former lover, you're at a strange place in your life, and soot gets in your eyes when the whole church burns down with everyone inside.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's sad to think that when they tell the story of your life, you'll only be remembered as one of two guys whose most notable achievement was to walk into a bar.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You and a man with no arms will be stuck in an elevator together for three and a half hours, but it'll only take you eight minutes to piss him off with insensitive questions about ass-wiping.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just when you start to think that you haven't seen the strange men in lab coats for a while, bam, there they are in line with you at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After your 17th time around as an underpaid office worker in the late-20th-to-early-21st centuries, you're really starting to become disenchanted with the whole reincarnation thing.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes you actually hate yourself for going out and drinking until five in the morning, but most times that's just what you tell people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll discover a brilliant legal loophole that will both get rid of that annoying guy at work and force the Department of Justice to serve you any meal you want.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You firmly believe that everything has a soul, which explains why you think your tape dispenser is a bad person.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The jury won't be able to really feel disgust at your habit of eating your murder victims, because, hey, who doesn't love deep-fried food on a stick?


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