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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 12, 2011

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 12, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The rest of the year will seem to fly right by, along with a few hundred others, after you're frozen in a giant block of ice.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite the efforts of literally hundreds of singers to tell you "let's go," you have yet to actually go.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll come face-to-face with many of life's mysteries next week, none bigger than why the Angel of Death looks like a younger, slimmer Roy Clark.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not usually the kind of person who cries at weddings, but this one's of a former lover, you're at a strange place in your life, and soot gets in your eyes when the whole church burns down with everyone inside.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's sad to think that when they tell the story of your life, you'll only be remembered as one of two guys whose most notable achievement was to walk into a bar.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You and a man with no arms will be stuck in an elevator together for three and a half hours, but it'll only take you eight minutes to piss him off with insensitive questions about ass-wiping.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just when you start to think that you haven't seen the strange men in lab coats for a while, bam, there they are in line with you at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After your 17th time around as an underpaid office worker in the late-20th-to-early-21st centuries, you're really starting to become disenchanted with the whole reincarnation thing.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes you actually hate yourself for going out and drinking until five in the morning, but most times that's just what you tell people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll discover a brilliant legal loophole that will both get rid of that annoying guy at work and force the Department of Justice to serve you any meal you want.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You firmly believe that everything has a soul, which explains why you think your tape dispenser is a bad person.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The jury won't be able to really feel disgust at your habit of eating your murder victims, because, hey, who doesn't love deep-fried food on a stick?

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