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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 13, 2010

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 13, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Clear and direct communication is key to a successful marriage. Try ending all of your domestic exchanges with "Roger that, good buddy."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Lately it seems all your imaginary friends just want to sit around all day and watch television.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember to take things one day at a time this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll finally open up about your innermost hopes and dreams this week, though the whole thing will be pretty hard to hear with everyone laughing so damn hard.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll confront your problems head-on this Thursday, which is rather unfortunate, as your problems involve a mountain goat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally get into shape this week, though which one exactly, isn't clear yet.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone enjoys a good party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize you have no idea how to "get some girls."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn't what it had in mind.

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