Aries | March 21 to April 19
Clear and direct communication is key to a successful marriage. Try ending all of your domestic exchanges with "Roger that, good buddy."
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Lately it seems all your imaginary friends just want to sit around all day and watch television.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Remember to take things one day at a time this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll finally open up about your innermost hopes and dreams this week, though the whole thing will be pretty hard to hear with everyone laughing so damn hard.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll confront your problems head-on this Thursday, which is rather unfortunate, as your problems involve a mountain goat.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll finally get into shape this week, though which one exactly, isn't clear yet.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Everyone enjoys a good party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize you have no idea how to "get some girls."
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn't what it had in mind.
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