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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Biggest Announcements From E3

Each June, E3, or The Electronic Entertainment Expo, hosts game developers showing off their latest products. Here are this year’s most exciting announcements:

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 13, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Clear and direct communication is key to a successful marriage. Try ending all of your domestic exchanges with "Roger that, good buddy."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Lately it seems all your imaginary friends just want to sit around all day and watch television.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember to take things one day at a time this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll finally open up about your innermost hopes and dreams this week, though the whole thing will be pretty hard to hear with everyone laughing so damn hard.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll confront your problems head-on this Thursday, which is rather unfortunate, as your problems involve a mountain goat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally get into shape this week, though which one exactly, isn't clear yet.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone enjoys a good party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize you have no idea how to "get some girls."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn't what it had in mind.

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