Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 13, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 15

Albert Pujols Sliding Into Everything After Learning To Slide

ST. LOUIS—Sources in the Cardinals organization confirmed Tuesday that, after completing private sliding lessons, Albert Pujols has been sliding feetfirst into equipment, open doorways, dirty laundry, teammates, dugouts, and anything else the three-time NL MVP can possibly slide into.

Opening Staff Rails Against Incompetence Of Closing Staff

ATHENS, GA—Citing a recent rash of barely mopped floors, sloppy register work, and general negligence, the opening staff of local restaurant Dom's issued a harsh proclamation this week, saying it would no longer endure the half-assed performance of the closing staff.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Healthy Eating

Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 13, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    Clear and direct communication is key to a successful marriage. Try ending all of your domestic exchanges with "Roger that, good buddy."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Lately it seems all your imaginary friends just want to sit around all day and watch television.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Remember to take things one day at a time this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll finally open up about your innermost hopes and dreams this week, though the whole thing will be pretty hard to hear with everyone laughing so damn hard.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll confront your problems head-on this Thursday, which is rather unfortunate, as your problems involve a mountain goat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll finally get into shape this week, though which one exactly, isn't clear yet.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Everyone enjoys a good party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize you have no idea how to "get some girls."
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn't what it had in mind.
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