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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 15, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be torn between two equally worthy suitors, one who is kind, selfless, outgoing, supportive, and loving, and one who is attractive.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it is true that all-knowing God sees every sparrow that falls, He finds it a lot more amusing to watch you tumble down the stairs a couple times a week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say that knowing is half the battle, but they never talk about how the other half is tactical deployment and careful use of grenades.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your self-destructive behavior is beginning to get out of control, which is mostly notable due to how long you were able to control your behavior while destroying yourself.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be pleased to find that science has long since achieved your dream of creating a smaller, cuddlier, domesticated version of the tiger.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Scientists will announce the discovery of sunspots spelling out your name this week just to see if they can get you to stare at the sun all day.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The natives will shrink in terror when you demonstrate your lighter, as even they know that smoking is not at all good for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Losing weight will improve your performance in all areas of life, but bolting on new shock absorbers is painful and counterproductive.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll learn too late that while it may be easy and even justifiable to ridicule the French, they take their full-contact judo very seriously.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It turns out that it's neither the size of the wave nor the motion of the ocean that really matters, but the length and girth of your penis.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll realize too late that there's more to life than eating instant mashed potatoes and drinking root beer while the kiddie pool you're laying in slowly fills up with your excrement.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll learn that there are some things that money can't buy. For instance, with your record, you're forbidden from approaching close enough to purchase girl scout cookies.
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