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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 15, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be torn between two equally worthy suitors, one who is kind, selfless, outgoing, supportive, and loving, and one who is attractive.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it is true that all-knowing God sees every sparrow that falls, He finds it a lot more amusing to watch you tumble down the stairs a couple times a week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say that knowing is half the battle, but they never talk about how the other half is tactical deployment and careful use of grenades.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your self-destructive behavior is beginning to get out of control, which is mostly notable due to how long you were able to control your behavior while destroying yourself.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be pleased to find that science has long since achieved your dream of creating a smaller, cuddlier, domesticated version of the tiger.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Scientists will announce the discovery of sunspots spelling out your name this week just to see if they can get you to stare at the sun all day.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The natives will shrink in terror when you demonstrate your lighter, as even they know that smoking is not at all good for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Losing weight will improve your performance in all areas of life, but bolting on new shock absorbers is painful and counterproductive.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll learn too late that while it may be easy and even justifiable to ridicule the French, they take their full-contact judo very seriously.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It turns out that it's neither the size of the wave nor the motion of the ocean that really matters, but the length and girth of your penis.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll realize too late that there's more to life than eating instant mashed potatoes and drinking root beer while the kiddie pool you're laying in slowly fills up with your excrement.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll learn that there are some things that money can't buy. For instance, with your record, you're forbidden from approaching close enough to purchase girl scout cookies.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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