Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 15, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 15

Xylophonist Shredding It

Everyone in a bustling Chinese parade is attempting to elude pursuers, newly discovered cave paintings suggest early man was battling a lot of inner demons, and a xylophonist is shredding it.

Alabama Quietly Strikes Bo Bice Day From State Calendar

MONTGOMERY, AL—Conceding that there was no longer a need to formally acknowledge the accomplishments of American Idol fourth season runner-up and Alabama native Bo Bice, state officials Friday quietly moved to strike Bo Bice Day from the offi...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 15, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will be torn between two equally worthy suitors, one who is kind, selfless, outgoing, supportive, and loving, and one who is attractive.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    While it is true that all-knowing God sees every sparrow that falls, He finds it a lot more amusing to watch you tumble down the stairs a couple times a week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    They say that knowing is half the battle, but they never talk about how the other half is tactical deployment and careful use of grenades.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your self-destructive behavior is beginning to get out of control, which is mostly notable due to how long you were able to control your behavior while destroying yourself.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll be pleased to find that science has long since achieved your dream of creating a smaller, cuddlier, domesticated version of the tiger.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Scientists will announce the discovery of sunspots spelling out your name this week just to see if they can get you to stare at the sun all day.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The natives will shrink in terror when you demonstrate your lighter, as even they know that smoking is not at all good for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Losing weight will improve your performance in all areas of life, but bolting on new shock absorbers is painful and counterproductive.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll learn too late that while it may be easy and even justifiable to ridicule the French, they take their full-contact judo very seriously.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It turns out that it's neither the size of the wave nor the motion of the ocean that really matters, but the length and girth of your penis.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll realize too late that there's more to life than eating instant mashed potatoes and drinking root beer while the kiddie pool you're laying in slowly fills up with your excrement.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll learn that there are some things that money can't buy. For instance, with your record, you're forbidden from approaching close enough to purchase girl scout cookies.
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