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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of April 16, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Pretty soon you're going to have to sit down and ask yourself some very important questions. Particularly, "why?"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon be chopped to bits, roasted, covered with caramel, stuffed in a box with a cheap toy, and sold to children nationwide.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everything you desire shall be yours this week, providing you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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