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Your Horoscopes – Week Of April 16, 2013

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of April 16, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Pretty soon you're going to have to sit down and ask yourself some very important questions. Particularly, "why?"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon be chopped to bits, roasted, covered with caramel, stuffed in a box with a cheap toy, and sold to children nationwide.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everything you desire shall be yours this week, providing you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope.

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