Your Horoscopes – Week Of April 16, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 16

Lakers vs. Spurs

The Lakers face the Spurs in the first round of the NBA playoffs, reigniting a rivalry not quite as old as most of the players involved.

Louis Charles

Louis Charles, 17, added a little water to the nearly empty mustard bottle so his parents wouldn’t be able to tell he took some.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of April 16, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Pretty soon you're going to have to sit down and ask yourself some very important questions. Particularly, "why?"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will soon be chopped to bits, roasted, covered with caramel, stuffed in a box with a cheap toy, and sold to children nationwide.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Everything you desire shall be yours this week, providing you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope.
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