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Your Horoscopes – Week of April 17, 2012

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Entertainment

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes – Week of April 17, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Our surveys polls show that 52 percent of the people in this sign are women, so expect big changes around your part of the zodiac as we work with top female astrologers to make things more gal-friendly in this part of the cosmos.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've tried over and over to snare your coworkers in the tangled web you so carefully spin, but unfortunately, most people know the "Hertz Donut" trick by the time they enter the workforce.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Although the last few weeks have been classic examples of "same crap, different day," anomalous ripples in the space-time continuum will allow you to experience the same crap, but on the same day over and over.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll garner enthusiastic praise from by the world's leading art and design critics when fiendish but brilliant furniture makers fashion you into a tasteful, living Adirondack chair.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    What you'll later choose to describe as a "through the looking glass" moment will actually be more of a "down a set of stairs, through a plate-glass window, and out into heavy traffic" sort of afternoon.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll come up with a brilliant scheme to keep your parents from divorcing, one that would certainly work and make them fall back into a deeply committed love, only 11 years too late.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will slowly come to appreciate the value of silence when everyone seems to want to say things you do not wish to hear.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're still obsessed with having sex with the bearded lady, but you can't seem to stop bringing home people who are neither.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Someday America will come to an economic understanding that doesn't include an outrageous hunger for more and more manufactured goods, but for now, your life is pretty sweet.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Everybody has their own part to play in life. Unfortunately, yours is to be the love interest of the true hero: Sam, the cute walrus that's all the rage on the Internet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's both cynical and dangerous to underestimate the power of human love, but that's okay. You'll overestimate it every time.

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