Your Horoscopes – Week of April 17, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 16

Study: Red Meat Takes Years Off Of Cow's Life

WASHINGTON—Confirming years of speculation, a new study from the U.S. Department of Agriculture's National Animal Health Monitoring System has found that red meat significantly increases the risk of premature death in cows.

Storage Wars

A&E 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST A dejected Dave thinks the storage locker he purchased is a bust when once again he finds nothing but a 55-gallon oil drum stuffed with two female bodies, but he rejoices upon realizing the corpses are concealing a min...

So, You Wanna Dance?

Fox 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST With host Ryan Seacrest looming over them, waiting…sure they do!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Spring

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Your Horoscopes – Week of April 17, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Our surveys polls show that 52 percent of the people in this sign are women, so expect big changes around your part of the zodiac as we work with top female astrologers to make things more gal-friendly in this part of the cosmos.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've tried over and over to snare your coworkers in the tangled web you so carefully spin, but unfortunately, most people know the "Hertz Donut" trick by the time they enter the workforce.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Although the last few weeks have been classic examples of "same crap, different day," anomalous ripples in the space-time continuum will allow you to experience the same crap, but on the same day over and over.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll garner enthusiastic praise from by the world's leading art and design critics when fiendish but brilliant furniture makers fashion you into a tasteful, living Adirondack chair.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    What you'll later choose to describe as a "through the looking glass" moment will actually be more of a "down a set of stairs, through a plate-glass window, and out into heavy traffic" sort of afternoon.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll come up with a brilliant scheme to keep your parents from divorcing, one that would certainly work and make them fall back into a deeply committed love, only 11 years too late.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will slowly come to appreciate the value of silence when everyone seems to want to say things you do not wish to hear.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're still obsessed with having sex with the bearded lady, but you can't seem to stop bringing home people who are neither.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Someday America will come to an economic understanding that doesn't include an outrageous hunger for more and more manufactured goods, but for now, your life is pretty sweet.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Everybody has their own part to play in life. Unfortunately, yours is to be the love interest of the true hero: Sam, the cute walrus that's all the rage on the Internet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It's both cynical and dangerous to underestimate the power of human love, but that's okay. You'll overestimate it every time.
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