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Your Horoscopes – Week of April 17, 2012

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Your Horoscopes – Week of April 17, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Our surveys polls show that 52 percent of the people in this sign are women, so expect big changes around your part of the zodiac as we work with top female astrologers to make things more gal-friendly in this part of the cosmos.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've tried over and over to snare your coworkers in the tangled web you so carefully spin, but unfortunately, most people know the "Hertz Donut" trick by the time they enter the workforce.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Although the last few weeks have been classic examples of "same crap, different day," anomalous ripples in the space-time continuum will allow you to experience the same crap, but on the same day over and over.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll garner enthusiastic praise from by the world's leading art and design critics when fiendish but brilliant furniture makers fashion you into a tasteful, living Adirondack chair.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    What you'll later choose to describe as a "through the looking glass" moment will actually be more of a "down a set of stairs, through a plate-glass window, and out into heavy traffic" sort of afternoon.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll come up with a brilliant scheme to keep your parents from divorcing, one that would certainly work and make them fall back into a deeply committed love, only 11 years too late.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will slowly come to appreciate the value of silence when everyone seems to want to say things you do not wish to hear.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're still obsessed with having sex with the bearded lady, but you can't seem to stop bringing home people who are neither.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Someday America will come to an economic understanding that doesn't include an outrageous hunger for more and more manufactured goods, but for now, your life is pretty sweet.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Everybody has their own part to play in life. Unfortunately, yours is to be the love interest of the true hero: Sam, the cute walrus that's all the rage on the Internet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's both cynical and dangerous to underestimate the power of human love, but that's okay. You'll overestimate it every time.

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