adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 19, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You refuse to buy into society's petty, narrow-minded definitions of good and evil, or at least that's what you tell people when they notice you're a lousy tipper.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be doing a lot of traveling in the near future due to your inability to dribble a basketball effectively.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    When all's said and done, you've loved and been loved in return, and no one can take that away from you. However, they can make sure you don't get paid for it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There will come times in life when you find it impossible to tell the dancer from the dance. Be advised the person is the dancer and the dance is the series of motions being made.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your true goal continues to elude you when you succeed in breeding pandas to a mailbox, a surprised cat, and a traumatized lab assistant.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While "To thine own self be true" is wise advice, it was intended for someone whose own self didn't sit on the couch eating beef jerky and watching car-auction shows.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll experience a slight setback when events beyond your control force you to repeat age 8 all over again, which actually isn't half bad.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always detested clichés, tired old jokes, and easy irony, which are three more reasons why you're going to hate being killed by a falling safe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say a good friend will bail you out of jail but a best friend will share your cell. With that in mind, your best friend will stab you with a sharpened toothbrush this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Authorities acknowledge that yes, technically you went on a tristate killing spree, but since you did it in the Four Corners region of the Southwest, it actually makes you look lazy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When the stars told you this was a good time to start new projects at work, they certainly didn't expect you to put Vaseline on the stairs and then pull the fire alarm.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Thanks to the events of this week, when people think "fish sticks," they'll think of you. Then they'll throw up, especially if they're eating fish sticks.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close