Aries | March 21 to April 19
You refuse to buy into society's petty, narrow-minded definitions of good and evil, or at least that's what you tell people when they notice you're a lousy tipper.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll be doing a lot of traveling in the near future due to your inability to dribble a basketball effectively.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
When all's said and done, you've loved and been loved in return, and no one can take that away from you. However, they can make sure you don't get paid for it.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
There will come times in life when you find it impossible to tell the dancer from the dance. Be advised the person is the dancer and the dance is the series of motions being made.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your true goal continues to elude you when you succeed in breeding pandas to a mailbox, a surprised cat, and a traumatized lab assistant.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
While "To thine own self be true" is wise advice, it was intended for someone whose own self didn't sit on the couch eating beef jerky and watching car-auction shows.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll experience a slight setback when events beyond your control force you to repeat age 8 all over again, which actually isn't half bad.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You've always detested clichés, tired old jokes, and easy irony, which are three more reasons why you're going to hate being killed by a falling safe.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
They say a good friend will bail you out of jail but a best friend will share your cell. With that in mind, your best friend will stab you with a sharpened toothbrush this week.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Authorities acknowledge that yes, technically you went on a tristate killing spree, but since you did it in the Four Corners region of the Southwest, it actually makes you look lazy.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
When the stars told you this was a good time to start new projects at work, they certainly didn't expect you to put Vaseline on the stairs and then pull the fire alarm.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Thanks to the events of this week, when people think "fish sticks," they'll think of you. Then they'll throw up, especially if they're eating fish sticks.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION