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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 19, 2011

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 19, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You refuse to buy into society's petty, narrow-minded definitions of good and evil, or at least that's what you tell people when they notice you're a lousy tipper.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be doing a lot of traveling in the near future due to your inability to dribble a basketball effectively.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    When all's said and done, you've loved and been loved in return, and no one can take that away from you. However, they can make sure you don't get paid for it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There will come times in life when you find it impossible to tell the dancer from the dance. Be advised the person is the dancer and the dance is the series of motions being made.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your true goal continues to elude you when you succeed in breeding pandas to a mailbox, a surprised cat, and a traumatized lab assistant.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While "To thine own self be true" is wise advice, it was intended for someone whose own self didn't sit on the couch eating beef jerky and watching car-auction shows.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll experience a slight setback when events beyond your control force you to repeat age 8 all over again, which actually isn't half bad.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always detested clichés, tired old jokes, and easy irony, which are three more reasons why you're going to hate being killed by a falling safe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say a good friend will bail you out of jail but a best friend will share your cell. With that in mind, your best friend will stab you with a sharpened toothbrush this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Authorities acknowledge that yes, technically you went on a tristate killing spree, but since you did it in the Four Corners region of the Southwest, it actually makes you look lazy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When the stars told you this was a good time to start new projects at work, they certainly didn't expect you to put Vaseline on the stairs and then pull the fire alarm.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Thanks to the events of this week, when people think "fish sticks," they'll think of you. Then they'll throw up, especially if they're eating fish sticks.

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