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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 19, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You refuse to buy into society's petty, narrow-minded definitions of good and evil, or at least that's what you tell people when they notice you're a lousy tipper.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be doing a lot of traveling in the near future due to your inability to dribble a basketball effectively.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    When all's said and done, you've loved and been loved in return, and no one can take that away from you. However, they can make sure you don't get paid for it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There will come times in life when you find it impossible to tell the dancer from the dance. Be advised the person is the dancer and the dance is the series of motions being made.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your true goal continues to elude you when you succeed in breeding pandas to a mailbox, a surprised cat, and a traumatized lab assistant.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While "To thine own self be true" is wise advice, it was intended for someone whose own self didn't sit on the couch eating beef jerky and watching car-auction shows.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll experience a slight setback when events beyond your control force you to repeat age 8 all over again, which actually isn't half bad.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always detested clichés, tired old jokes, and easy irony, which are three more reasons why you're going to hate being killed by a falling safe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say a good friend will bail you out of jail but a best friend will share your cell. With that in mind, your best friend will stab you with a sharpened toothbrush this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Authorities acknowledge that yes, technically you went on a tristate killing spree, but since you did it in the Four Corners region of the Southwest, it actually makes you look lazy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When the stars told you this was a good time to start new projects at work, they certainly didn't expect you to put Vaseline on the stairs and then pull the fire alarm.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Thanks to the events of this week, when people think "fish sticks," they'll think of you. Then they'll throw up, especially if they're eating fish sticks.
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