Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 2, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 14

Majority Of Americans Now Support Legalizing Marijuana

According to the Pew Research Center, 52 percent of Americans are now in favor of legalizing marijuana while only 45 percent oppose it, marking the first time in over 40 years of polling by the company that a majority of citizens have backed pot’s l...
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 2, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It can, however, last 40 years until the moment of your death.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your religious faith will be shattered when, after years of piety, you discover a little-known Bible passage condemning murder.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The disappearance of Mars from the sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. Also, it could indicate that Mars has taken orbit behind the sun.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Reaffirm your commitment to weight loss this week. Eat five pounds of cottage cheese, six cans of peach halves in heavy syrup, and a liter of Diet Coke for each meal.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will discover the power of chain letters this week when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynecologist you’ve been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.
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