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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 2, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It can, however, last 40 years until the moment of your death.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your religious faith will be shattered when, after years of piety, you discover a little-known Bible passage condemning murder.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The disappearance of Mars from the sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. Also, it could indicate that Mars has taken orbit behind the sun.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Reaffirm your commitment to weight loss this week. Eat five pounds of cottage cheese, six cans of peach halves in heavy syrup, and a liter of Diet Coke for each meal.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will discover the power of chain letters this week when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynecologist you’ve been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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