Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 2, 2013

Top Headlines


‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 2, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It can, however, last 40 years until the moment of your death.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your religious faith will be shattered when, after years of piety, you discover a little-known Bible passage condemning murder.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The disappearance of Mars from the sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. Also, it could indicate that Mars has taken orbit behind the sun.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Reaffirm your commitment to weight loss this week. Eat five pounds of cottage cheese, six cans of peach halves in heavy syrup, and a liter of Diet Coke for each meal.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will discover the power of chain letters this week when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynecologist you’ve been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close