Your Horoscopes- Week Of April 20, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 16

Adam Wainwright Annoying Entire Ballpark By Announcing Pitch Count Out Loud

ST. LOUIS—Despite a stellar complete-game effort against the Mets Sunday, Cardinals ace Adam Wainwright managed to irritate every player, coach, member of the media, and spectator in the ballpark by shouting out his pitch count every single time he threw the ball. "One," Wainwright said after his first pitch, just seconds before acknowledging his second by shouting.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes- Week Of April 20, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbage man!.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Wild peals of laughter will burst forth this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid becoming a statistic by getting shot repeatedly at work.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The stars were going to predict the beginning of a lifelong romance for you this week, but they couldn't get through it without bursting into laughter.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they discover a cure for goddamn stupidity.
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