adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes- Week Of April 20, 2010

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes- Week Of April 20, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbage man!.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Wild peals of laughter will burst forth this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid becoming a statistic by getting shot repeatedly at work.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars were going to predict the beginning of a lifelong romance for you this week, but they couldn't get through it without bursting into laughter.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they discover a cure for goddamn stupidity.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close